Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in morphinebaby's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, February 14th, 2004
4:45 am	writing is such bull.shit. i have a newfound hatred for the whole concept and for anyone that participates in it. no, not hatred, disgust. and sure it is all your fault, but fret not, maybe it really is for the better. after all, i'm such a fucking fake, and words only confirm this. i hope i never change my mind.
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
10:37 pm	my brain is defective it's not that i'm so unlucky for having to stumble through this world in complete isolation, everyone else is just the same, it's that i'm so unlucky to have to re-realize this everyday as though i had never known it before
11:22 pm	remember how i wouldn't let you say the words at first remember how i told you i didn't trust the feelings and you shouldn't either and remember how you couldn't hold back one night as we were lying in your bed, i was mostly asleep you spoke so softly, and you said you didn't care if it was too soon you felt it and you knew it, you touched my face and you told me you loved me and we were so warm i hear the words all the time now, but i never feel them anymore
Saturday, January 24th, 2004
9:04 pm	it's stealing my moments away before i even get to have them im just standing here gagging on the cloud of dust it left behind asnfd a;slefiaeifua;seifa;lseiuf;alsiegupa'ogki'sdrga kdr'f;ldroi
3:21 pm	there's probably not a single thing i wouldn't change and isn't that just so damn sad no wait it's funny haha
7:11 am	i just took my third shower for the evening this time because i got sick to my stomach from the clocks that rose in my throat i crouched down and made a feeble attempt to scald the feeling out of my skin i gasped on the thick stuffy air coughed out my devotion to being and came out to see that i had left a tea pot on the stove all night it had burned my life to a crisp but its just too bad it was on such a low heat setting otherwise there would be such an evil excitement in the air i put it in the sink and shook my head with disgust i am utterly pitiful earlier reading this fucking ridiculous notion of evolution and threw it across the room with a despise i shall not believe you twisted fucks why should one delusional mindset rule the world over another go fuck yourselves if i don't pass if i don't graduate if i don't do anything then it will only prove the lack of reasoning behind my existence that i'm already more than aware of i fucking love school teach me your paranoid hallucinations so i can happily repeat them back to you with my oh so fucking eager need to succeed in life i am entirely envious of those that fill my being with contempt
6:25 am	if good days should make me happy, and bad days should make me sad, how is this that good days turn my insides out and threaten an eternity of desperate misery. this morning i kissed you with everything i have to offer. today i missed you with a glowing warm touch. tonight i looked into your eyes and loved you so intensely red. and now once i again i envy the suicidal. i would end my existence with such grace and tragedy to dive into relief. throbbing colourless 'life' in the greatest of possible shapes. the tiny clocks are ticking once more and i just don't have the ability to hate them anymore. can't they at the very least and with the slightest of efforts spare me their impulses to climb up the passageways and reside in my throat? jerking around and laughing at the wisps of life trying to make their way into my defective form.
6:07 am	hands pressed together fingers against my lips thoughts are displaced as they should and need to be all i want and i swear this to you with the most complete honesty i will ever be able to muster in my dramatically pathetic existence all i fucking want is to be the epitome of gray
5:11 am	fuck. my insides are exploding. fuck. my chest. the belts are so fucking tight. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. alksjfs what fuck... alksjfda;sldfkjeifa;f ufck fuckj fuck fuck fuck l fuck alskjdfaklsjdfjkldfsdjfksljdfksljklfdsajkflsdajklvdlsajadslkjf;jklds;f;asdfe;firflsdkjfa;sdjkfa;sdklfjjfkdlsa;;aoweifu;svdgkjlhklgewhkeglhakgl;afbjfksldajgsklioweurghska;lasj'kdgasj;dfasdjlkfsajldka;sejilfa;sieljfa;siea;seijlaweijlaiej;slfaijwelfa;ijself;slekjaf;alijefa;wleijfaj;sielfs;ldjkfaas;djlkfaw;eoifj;elijf;sijdfla;welijf;weiljf a;wleifj the keys feel good i thinka ;sdfla;sldkfj yes a;selkjf;alsieuf;alsiefu its helping a;sleif;alsieufa;sleiuf close my eyes and press the keys a;lsjkef;laiseuf;aslekjf ;asleiu breathe a;sleiu;aseluiff;eljsa;woaeijf;aslejif;asjeif;aselijfjfei;lajfie;a its an art to press keys with letters just as it is to press keys with sounds ;asleuif;alsieuf;saleiufjfe;lkajfek;lsaife;ajfielsa;jfiea;l im making noise a;lsiejfjfie;ajfie;aa;sliejffjei;ajwi;efw;jieawjiejwilefaaj;filew its not soothing to anyone but me but thats more than good enough ;alsuiefjf;iaesaj;sekf;ajoeifa;wjie;awjefia;wejlifnaksrlg;aw;oaietuoiawutaow;retuawoeituatoeaigua;owieu a;oweiguw;aoegiua;oewitug;waogiuwea;owieurier;aoriewuaaoweiruowaeiurriwoaaoweiru;aowifj;owejsldkfja;slfjj;alsfja;lseifjaf;waleifjaflwei i can feel the anxiety pour through my fingers onto the keyboard aj;slefiuas;lefuiesa thank you a;slefiuwuiepaweouwpareupwofawoefjpwejfcwoefjipawoeifjwpefi i can feel it ;alsief;alkewjgp3o4tu7q3p4otiuas;flkndfalksdfja;sldkfjaflkjasdflaksjfda fj;asleifa f its not a psychological thing i can phyiscally feel it it is travelling through me from my chest up to my shoulders down to my elbows through my forearms and right out my fingertips i can feel it the tingly tight electricity just pouring out please leave please leave a;sleifa aliiii asked you to help me i told you i was anxious you called me crazy and i said please its okay i don't blam,e you you're tired you were half asleep you just wanted to go back to bed, i understand but it does make me realize moreso that i am alone in my misery why should i have help anyways why should i ASSUME help? no i am alone but i have this keyboard i have these buttons and they are so good the television won't take the electricity from me, not the textbooks or storybooks or food or drink, nothing befriends my horrors like these soft square buttons i love them so oh thank you so fucking much call me grateful it doesnt even matter being faithful oir not because i do have faith no matter what my logic may tell me i do its just not faith in comforting things that other people have faith in i have faith in something unknown that frightens while comforting which makes things difficult i think im talking just to type not because i know what im saying thank you buttons i cant believe they took my anxiety right from me how noble these fellows
Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
1:57 am	i am sitting here at the computer desk, it's just past one am, and you've passed out. tomorrow i'm going to let you read this. all night i've had a clenching feeling in my chest, it's my friend, my partner, anxiety. he's always there for me, but tonight it's been a little different. it's joined with reality to warn me of some truths. let me start from the beginning. when you called me up in response to the message i left you, to tell me why you weren't coming to meet me after work, you apologized. you apologized repeatedly as you explained that you had been drinking. had been drinking all day. i'm sorry, i fucked up, i love you, i'm sorry, i fucked up, i love you, i'm sorry, i don't know what happened, i'm sorry, i love you. i asked you what next? and you said i fucked up, i said i wouldn't drink anymore, and i did. i fucked up. there's nothing i can do. and i asked you what next? you fucked up, and now what? that's it, you're done, you've gone back to drinking? and you said no, you're not, you won't anymore. you said you had to go. this was around six thirty pm. while listening to the machine-like repetition of your few drunken catch phrases, i had been browsing through books, almost machine-like myself, but in a completely different manner. i had finally reached that state of apathy i have been yearning for. i heard your words, but they were so far away. the initial confession containing the words i naively believed i would never hear again had sent me into some sort of shock, so deep that even pain left me. i found comfort in the fact that i didn't care. somewhere unreachable i had a passing thought that each time we go through this event, my ability to feel dies a little bit more. my capacity for pain decreases in size. it is not tolerance i speak of, but possibly escape. i'm not quite sure since i don't control my mind, it controls me. i can only guess as to what it was doing to me, and my guess is that it was sending me away. i feel too much, i hurt too much, my emotions are too extreme. and you, my love, cause me to have some sort of emotional overload, in that, i can't cry enough, i can't hurt enough, i can't mourn enough, i can't even feel hopeless enough, ...so i've moved beyond that point somehow. i'm getting off track here. i was browsing through the books at the book sale. i was almost enjoying myself in a sick way. i moved slowly and deliberately, tracing my fingers over the spines of the books and pondering about their contents. i didn't even have to try to distract myself from the recent happenings, \\they were so far gone i couldn't possibly retrieve them if i tried\\. i cherished the moments of grace. so for those few moments, i have to thank you immensely. moments of that sort are rare in my life. when i arrived at home though, things changed drastically. that's when my friend came along, the fingertip buzzing, heart clenching, stomach knotting, hopeless friend of mine. and he came so quickly and so intensely, that i almost could not contain him. think. fast. what do i do? what can i do? help me, please? it was a quarter to eleven, i called you. you sobbed out confession number two for the night. you went to the bus terminal to continue drinking, after our previous conversation about you fucking up and promising not to drink again. the alarms went off in my head again, but the calming shock didn't come this time. just constant screaming alarms, bells, clocks, ... 'come over' i said. i didn't know, and don't know, why. you sobbed some more and cried okay. at this point in my life, as awkward as it is to admit, my brain has learned to scramble for rational possible solutions to cure my disabilities as they come hurtling at me. i attempted breathing exercises. i swallowed a palmful of acetaminophen. i spoke to a comforting friend. i turned on the television. i turned off the television. eventually i lay down on the couch, in the most relaxed position i could come up with, and awaited your arrival. the screaming had not lessened, but rather, had heightened. the violence taking place inside of me was so extraordinary that i could not output any of it, in any manner. i couldn't scream, i couldn't destroy, i couldn't move. i couldn't write. i could only helplessly host the demon, as though it were an entity of it's own. when you arrived, it was as if i had pressed the unpause button i had unknowingly (unwillingly? purposely?) pressed earlier. i'm sorry. i love you. i don't know what happened. i fucked up. i spoke coldly in response. sit down i said. stop crying. as i carefully polished my fingernails. you curled up in a ball, crying so loudly i wondered if someone might check to see what was going on. i left to make you a sandwich. my mind sped over highways of scattered thought. i couldn't quite place my feelings on the anger option, i decided. i could definitely rest it on hurt, but it leaned more towards that realization i spoke of earlier. reality is so much worse than nightmare. as you accused me of cheating on you with jason in between crying and screaming that you were a piece of shit.... as you tried to find out matt's email address while pushing and hitting me away, so you could tell him to fuck off, i realized. </b>things will never work between us if your true feelings about us, our issues, our lives together, our lives apart, about anything at all, only stream through in barely decipherable slurred speech while completely fucking wasted.</b> i stayed calm on the outside as my body shrilly tore itself apart inside. i patiently asked my love (?) my boyfriend (?) my soulmate (??) questions to find out anything at all about who he truly was while the opportunity lay at hand. i will spare you the details of our scattered jerky conversation, and do my best to piece together what i managed to scrape out of you, so that we can bring things out in the open, and possibly (hopefully) both learn something. // you are worried to a great extent, about every male in my life, and every male not in my life. i let them 'eye fuck' me, you said. //you cannot handle our fights, you spoke of this in a way that made me think you wanted to say you couldn't handle being with me anymore, but when i brought up the unmentionable, i got anger in response. fuck you, of course that's not fucking it, you screamed. but the feeling given to me by your words did not sway in any other direction. //you are insecure about our sex life, you think that you can't make me come, you're not good enough/i'm not turned on enough by you. at this point, you were too tired to put up with my persistent intrusive questions, you drank the last of the water i brought for you, and fell asleep tightly grasping my neck with your tear, snot, and drool stained hands. i carefully disentangled myself from your exhausted body, and sat down in front of the monitor. and now, as i finish typing this, it is finally time to cry.
Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
11:02 pm	i like words that don't belong here. casual, carefree, calm, easy, relaxed, joy, delicate. delicate. that's a good one.
10:42 pm	on the way home, i decided i felt pleasure amidst my misery. there's something calming about everything going wrong and being completely used to it.
Saturday, January 10th, 2004
7:51 pm	my life is completely ridiculous
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
11:06 pm	what you should know.. is that i'll never understand what it's like to go home, sing christmas carols with my family, or sit down and have a beer with my mom, ...the comfort received from each other and you'll never understand what it's like to go home, sit in a completely different room as your mom and not talk.. to relieve your guilt and her worry, ...the comfort received from each other it's not a fact that i mind so much as i need to clarify; i am unable to judge your actions in your world and likewise you should realize that you're unable to judge mine i'm drinking chocolate milk while you scribble away in your philosophy book, marking that which you see fit i am such a child your hair's a little messy i'm jealous of your intent and motivation you just looked up, and blew me a kiss i'm not sure if i should trust it
12:11 pm	realizing the people you are surrounded by most likely will NOT be there later on. it may be soon or it may be far, when they disappear on you, but regardless of wishes and hopes and current feelings, it WILL happen. you will not be a part of my life, only a faded memory. we can dream and say forever, but being absolutely realistic, we are just stupid. we are just a passing event preceding the many events to come. and if this is the case i want to know what the point is. if my feelings won't last, if yours won't stay the same, then why even bother. i'm tired of it all. i want my forever and i want it now. i never liked memories anyways.
Monday, January 5th, 2004
12:23 am	llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Monday, December 29th, 2003
1:18 am	oh fuck me. the buzzing, the noises, the ever present suffocating silence that sits thickly around me as a constant reminder. how can silence be so fucking loud. i am so completely alone. i am a giant mass of nothing.
12:36 am	im gonna try again. im gonna try again because i feel so fucking useless. this chocolate in my stomach is eating at my insides, it's slowly climbing up my throat and choking me. it's threatening to explode right out of my mouth in disgusting lumps and piles all over my keyboard and desk. i'm choking and dying. at work today, i put two fingers to my temple and blew my fucking head off. my co-worker laughed in response, but ha! if only i were actually suicidal. being suicidal means having HOPE. because there is a fucking end to your goddamn misery. a solution, a stop, a start. i'm reading this book, and i'm trying so hard to consume it, to make it my insides and outsides, to use it for much more than it was meant for, but it's such a fucking struggle and i'm so tired of struggling. why isn't this computer real? why isn't this chair real? why can't i see anything? i walk through the aisles at work and everything starts to blur. i scream inside and i fight it, i say please.. please come back. please don't disappear on me. but it does. it gets farther and farther until i'm crying inside realizing just how fucking alone i am in this place. i try to focus on the cds, i read the titles, i look at my "favourites" and try to use their familiarity. but it's not enough. i join in conversation with my co-workers and i try to use them to pull me back. but instead they shrink. they become so small they're the size of my thumbnail and their words are no longer audible. and you. with you.. i just let it go. i lay around miserably and don't even try to hide it. i cry and i bitch. i hate i hate i hate. i'm so fucking sad. and you. what i can't figure out is if it's good for me to act this way around you, if it's more honest and real.. or if it only adds to my problems to let it be 'okay'. the truth is, i really only have myself, and that becomes a big fucking problem when i don't like me. so i'm trying to change. i'm trying to change my way of thinking, talking myself out of things, but it's a slow process. and so far nothing is better. i rely too much on my surroundings to support me. i don't want to live life for others, i want to get something out of this. and again...
12:25 am	so i'm sitting here watching donnie darko again. sometimes i do this with movies. put them on again and again. sometimes they're movies i love, and sometimes they're movies i don't even like that much so long as they make for good comforting background noise. i just got out of the shower not too long ago, and while i was in there, i realized something about myself. well not exactly realized, i kind of always knew this, but for once it made me sad. my automatic reaction to the words of others is no longer real. the process used to be that i would think my own thoughts, maybe say them, wish i had said something different, or think my own thoughts, decide on something more appropriate to say, and say that... but now.. that last part comes first. the first thing i think of is.. "what should i say". in fact, it's the only thing i think, until i'm alone later. i no longer have reactions.. for fear of? not being liked i suppose. "how does she want me to answer that?" "what response is he looking for?" i don't want to talk about this anymore. so i'm sitting here watching donnie darko. i ate too much chocolate and i feel nauseous. i hate chocolate. i wanted so badly to write my thoughts and now that i'm typing, i'm making myself sick. i'll come back later.
Saturday, October 18th, 2003
8:29 pm	i don't even know. so many names and faces and events. i'm not sure. i'm a zombie, i stumble slouch i walk without moving and act without breathing. if only